« I'm a Horrible Friend »

Photo by Alex{G}

I've been feeling guilty lately.

Guilty for not having updated this blog in two weeks.

Guilty for not having worked out since last month.

Guilty for eating my son's beloved Bagel Bites for lunch today.

But what I feel most guilty about is what a horrible friend I have been.

On one hand, I'm very very lucky to have patient and understanding friends.  A lot of us have made a pact that we will not feel miffed if we don't hear from each other for a few weeks.

That we inherently know that with work, and kids, and work, and trying to get a good night's sleep (yes, I realize I mentioned work twice), it's hard to have those half hour phone calls we used to or be able to sneak away on a Saturday night for a few hours of girl time.

We all get it.

Remember the days when it was simply "a given" that you'd see all your best friends after work on a Friday night?  The days when you'd "pre-game" at someone's house while touching up each others' makeup and fretting about whether or not you should call the guy you met last week?  (Mind you, this was before texting and Facebook in my world).

These days, I turn around and it's already the middle of March and the last time I saw a handful of my friends was during the holidays. 

THE HOLIDAYS.

Egad.  Where does the time go?

I'm seriously starting to consider adding "girl time" to my calendar as if it's another business meeting.  Because, well, when it comes to wanting to make a more concerted effort?

This girl means business.

What I wouldn't give to have a bunch of my girlfriends show up with pajamas and sleeping bags, a copy of SJP in "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" and some hot rollers like the good old days.

At this point though, I'll settle for a few of us showing up unshowered and sleepy-eyed at a Starbucks for twenty minutes before our kids' sports commitments commence on a Saturday morning.

Thank goodness for Facebook.  If it weren't for Mark Zuckerberg, I'd forget half my friends' birthdays (I still  miss the ones that happen on days when I forget to check the homepage).  Although that's a step up from when I used to forget virtually all of them.  But is it enough to "like" someone's status update to let them know you're thinking of them?

I don't know.

What I do know is that I've got to do something about it.  My friends won't hold me accountable because, well, they're being good friends. 

A lot of times you'll find me doling out advice here, but now I'm asking for yours.

How can I be a better friend?  How do I make sure that even though it is one of the tradeoffs of having a family and career...that I don't suddenly turn around and realize another three months have gone by?

Comments

[Liza (@aMusingFoodie)]

What I've struggled most with lately is moving my friendships back into the real world, rather than just the digital world. I'm not talking about those relationships that have solely lived in the digital world, rather those of my real life friends that, because of busy schedules & exhaustion, have become completely dependent on FB, email, and texting to exist. Crazy!

Scheduling time helps - I have a group of friends in a book club. We don't meet monthly, but it's regular enough. Just an example.

Let's calendar some dates! :) I'm not opposed to that!

[Kath]

1) You are not a horrible friend. You're just not.

The way you use multiple avenues and tactics to GENUINELY connect in authentic ways makes this impossible. People who really care about others (and feel bad when they're not connecting frequently) cant be horrible friends.

2) I don't know if being a horrible friend is even the issue.

Meaning, I don't think its just about "how you can be a better friend" - its about the bigger picture of balance.

Out of balance, for me, is wilting produce in the fridge, chipped nail polish, and friends I haven't seen in ages.

The question isn't, how can I be better at painting my nails more frequently, or contacting friends more. It's, what needs to 'give" in my life, so that I can make my happiness, and balance, a priority. I think your comments about the gym and bagel bites might suggest you feel something similar.

3) Its not you.

TONS of us are going through right now, especially as work and family responsibilities increase.

4) You've got back.

And your friends aren't just letting it slide cause they're good friends - but because we get it! We're in it with ya sista.

The only solution I can really see is being extremely demanding of your calendar, and relying on planning (and sticking to your guns) to make sure you get the time to do what you need.

And knowing what you've accomplished, I'm sure you'll add a creative solution to that as well :)

You got this :)

[Erin]

Book Club! Even though I never have time to read the book they never get mad - it's more about friendship and food. OR - schedule a trip! Like VEGAS!

[Laura Packer]

Wow, this post rings loud and clear with me. I look up from my busy life and realize I haven't picked up the phone to call so-and-so in months. Or I meant to reply to that thoughtful email last week. Or I haven't heard from someone in months, are they alright?

I think this is a dual-lesson, in both forgiveness and priorities. We must forgive each other for disappearing from time to time as life becomes more like a roller coaster and less like a carousel. And we have to remember to just get off the darn ride. The dishes will wait. We can ask for help more often so we have more time to do the things that nourish us. Like time with friends. How can we be good citizens/mothers/etc/ is we don't allow ourselves to be good to ourselves?

Like the Liza, I schedule time. I feel like a dope sometimes, but it works and gets me back into the habit of being kind to myself as well as others.

Thanks for this post, Jessica. I hope we see each other sometime soonish!

[frelle]

Please be gentle with yourself. I know you are doing the best you can to balance. Finding work/life/family balance is tricky, and maybe the last place that you're balancing out is in your friendships. You attract people to you who possess the same qualities that you do, so I know they understand and extend grace to you. I think that prioritizing coffee dates or similar into your schedule when you are in a season where life is very busy is good, and to encourage your friends to reach out more often to you might also be a good idea. Ask for their help in that way, helping you be a better friend. Just because you have a lot on your mind and on your plate, and your brain is not free to think about much more than what's in front of you or on the calendar, doesn't mean that your friends are far from your heart. And I think they would reach out more often if they had the reassurance that they weren't bothering you or harassing you by reaching out when you haven't called them.

Maybe these are not unique thoughts, but they are what came to mind as I want to encourage you, validate you, and reassure you of the fact that you are a spectacular person. You are a good friend. And wanting to show your friends more often that you care about them is a reflection on your character and integrity as a person, and your continual desire to seek the balance you need. Hearing your heart burdened like this, and the honesty you put out there, makes me wish I could meet you for coffee and give you a hug. :)

[Maggie McGary]

You're defintiely being too hard on yourself....sadly this is just how life works when you have a family and a career. I used to feel bad about this all the time until I realized none of my friends had any more time than I did, unless they were single--and even they had crazy schedules. I do think, though, that what Liza said is true--those of us who do have "virtual" social lives can sometimes feel even lonelier, because even though you're connecting with tons of people, you're still not actually spending time just hanging with anyone and truly connecting.

I've just kind of resigned myself to the fact that until my kids are in college I have to work extra hard to make an effort to do stuff with "real life" friends because I always feel better when I do. Also, winter is the worst because everyone's inside--now that spring is here and once summer comes, it's definitely easier to get out and socialize when it's nice out.

[Leila]

I've resorted to telling several of my work friends - "I don't have friends" b/c in many ways, I don't...in the traditional sense. I have a work spouse, I have acquaintances. I have a few sometime friends from my monmmy social groups....and of course, I have my mom. But I don't have "friends" in the sense of girlfriends that know all about me and love me for who I am. My friends tend to be split between work, home, kids/school, etc...and not any one person or group of people that really know "me" for the all around person I am. Is this the way it will always be?

[Jen]

I try to schedule two lunches with friends a month - not work lunches, friend lunches. It helps me a ton to know we can touch base at least every few months. And yes, Facebook is a life saver. Oh - and there's one evening a month that I save for me where a group of women in my town hang out. It's actually a twitter hashtag since that's the kind of world I live in. (i.e. nerdy)

[DocC]

Call. Sit quietly and listen. Give your friend your full attention. At some later time you will need this, too.

[Patty]

As someone who has tried to be a very good friend to someone who, in the end, despite my efforts and pleadings allowed the friendship to die of sheer neglect and starvation, I recommend you ask each of your friends this question individually, face-to-face and *in person* if possible. Then listen to them with openness and curiosity -- as if they were talking about a third person, not you -- and maybe even take notes. Try not to get defensive if some of what they say hurts or feels unfair. If they seem to have made unfair assumptions about your reasons for dropping the ball, you may need to provide details that they don't have to give them a more clear picture of how things look and feel from your perspective, but try to make it clear to them that you're not making excuses or trying to point fingers at anyone else. Be clear that you accept responsibility for being a neglectful friend and let them know that you are committed to doing better, and then, when all is on the table, ask them what steps you could take that would ensure that they feel cared for and supported by you, and tell them what you personally are going to do to make sure you don't fall into a pattern of neglect in the future. This is a process I've used as a Restorative Justice Facilitator many times between community members and people who have committed misdemeanors, and it works -- and these folks have a lot less invested in one another than you and your friends do, so hopefully that means your chances of successfully reconnecting with and strengthening your bond with your friends will be even greater. Good luck.

[Jay]

Another vote for book club. Though it can be hard to schedule a date that works for everyone! We also will sometimes do a movie club when everyone is too busy with work, family, life to read a book. Another tip is that I schedule lunch dates during the week with my friends. We all need to eat lunch so this is a good way to get some one on one time. For my friends who have kids the same age as my kids, we plan a double play date where the mom stays too & we hang out while the kids play. Another friend I have a monthly movie night with & another friend in the neighborhood I walk with while we walk our dogs. Still another friend & I meet every Sunday at a yoga class. Just think about your schedule & then combine your schedule(exercise, walking the dog, eating lunch etc) with hanging out with a friend.And don't feel guilty!

[Tara]

I have a small circle of friends, and we love to do things as a group. One problem that my friends and I ran into was conflicting schedules. Maybe a couple of us could do girls night on a particular weekend, but the others couldn't. Eventually we learned that with our (happily) busy lives we could not wait until we could all be there to reconnect. We would enjoy ourselves when we could all get together, and go with groups of two when we couldn't. This cut down alot on worrying that a busy friend would feel neglected, while giving us a chance to catch up on each others lives.

[Janet]

I schedule everything - for my friends that don't have kids I try to plan a Thurs/Fri night out once every 6 weeks or so and I have three mom friends that we get together once a week for dinner with the kids. It's on a set night and it's nice because we all get a little playdate. My best friend I don't see in person very often but we talk on the phone every day. Usually on our drive to and from work (I know I shouldn't be talking on the phone) but it's the only time during the day that we are without kids and can get a good talk in.